Wednesday, October 21, 2009

show me the favor of Your face... it's what i crave

Ever noticed how ridiculously embarrassing and painful it is to be in the middle of a season of reshaping/ molding/ correction? I am walking around with a knot in my stomach, and I cringe at every pending conversation because I just never know what's coming. Am I going to say something that's going to ail me later on? Is someone else going to involve me in something that I want no part of? It's funny how we do this- how we make our own situation out to be this one of a kind disaster, the likes of which the world has never seen or heard of before. When in truthfulness, it's more like a bad gas pain, your yearly pap, or realizing you've been walking around all day with your fly unzipped= slightly uncomfortable at best, but just a fact of life for everyone at one time or another.
Now for a quick background.... I am a creature of habit. Despite my longing for change and spontaneity, I always return to some sort of routine- it's just who I am, I guess. These days my schedule consists of lots of craziness in the mornings and afternoons, but in between- that's when I find rest. After lunch the kids go down for a nap and I rejoice :] This is my time to turn off PBS (which is the background music of our kid-friendly morning) and turn on TBN while I sew, it's the only thing worth watching from noon to three, since we function off an HD antennae and nothing more. I usually do this only to have something interesting to watch while I'm changing the foot on my sewing machine or threading bobbins. I mean, honestly, there's only so much big hair and silly contemporary songs that one can truly enjoy.
And so, this brings us back to today... I changed the channel to see none other than my hero, Beth Moore. Ouch, Jesus. Really? Ouch. Beth Moore is like a punch to the face for all the ugly things in my heart that I'm just not totally ready to part with, ya know? The woman is a power house of Biblical smarts, and I absolutely want to BE her when I grow up. Today's topic- Thriving in a Season of Chastisement/ Coming out of a Time of Chastisement Victorious. I kid you not, there were moments in that 30 minutes that I found myself wondering if she could look right thru her camera and see me sitting on my couch with my notebook- scratching out every word. Cause whoa. She was totally all up in my business, you know what I'm sayin? I should clarify a little, I'm not coming out of any massive life mistakes or anything, I'm just really getting a good spanking about my unwillingness to change. There comes a point when you have to get over all the "stuff" that's not in your life anymore and realize that even without it, you're still a gazillion miles from being the person God's shaping you into. I am a mess. My motives are shady and Jesus is showing me that, and it stinks. It's not fun to look at my black heart in the mirror anymore. So here's what good ol' Beth had to say about it. She said- if you keep finding yourself in the same situation, then you have to look at the thing that puts you there, and don't look at it as just a fault. Every fault line is a broken place in need of repair. And God's not interested in just correcting it- He's interested in healing it. And the best part... she said that's He doesn't want to heal that "lame thing" just so you can walk, but so that you aren't tripping other people with it anymore. Thanks, Jesus, cause I am so down with not taking the whole world down with me. My favorite thing she said "God looks at you and says 'I love you so much, I delight in you. I just wanna help you be a delight to others." Agh! I love it. More than anything I recognize that I'm not always delightful, but I wanna be. Change me, Jesus. I'm all Yours.

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