Tuesday, October 20, 2009
what's love got to do with it?
So I went to some training this weekend. It was put on by Teen Mania, with all the usual TM jargon and pausing and awesomeness (any former intern would appreciate this.) Justin and I got to take our team to do the worship, which was pretty much amazingly fun to do :] All in all, it was a wonderfully weird weekend, if that makes sense. The teaching turned out to be the same exact stuff that we got at the conference last year- for youth pastors and their teams. Here's the really whacked out part- I totally needed to hear it again. Ugh. Jesus forgive me. You ever get the feeling that you are "over" something in your life, like you've heard from God and been instantly transformed never to look on that version of you again? And then, by some ugly twist of circumstances, Jesus takes you back to that place and your reflection is still the same... not a good feeling. That's totally where I am right now. I would not at all call my life stagnant, because God's working crazy things out for Justin and I and I can see the fruit of it- good solid change. But wow, am I still that girl? The girl that won't do anything too risky for the sole fact that its just too risky?! What the heck? I am thoroughly annoyed with myself. Two things were screamed into my brain this weekend- and by screamed, I mean gently whispered by the Holy Spirit with such force that I literally had to pick myself up off the floor. One of the speakers talked about being like hardcore amazing women in the Bible (remember, I heard all of this last year- even took notes.) Esther and Mary were on the list. Be like Esther- not afraid to do the hard things. Be like Mary- not afraid to do what's never been done before. Why oh why, am I so concerned with what I CANNOT do? And why oh why can't I get it through my head that I CAN do it? Cause let's face it, we've all heard it since Sunday school, but we never really believe it- I can do all things thru Christ that strengthens me, yada, yada, yada. It hurts. I am not new to this whole shenanigan. I have been saved a long time and it's so frustrating that I keep returning to this place, of just... Trust. One word that eludes me on a regular basis. I have trust issues. Dumb. Yesterday I read this amazing passage- James 1:21-25. Read it. I won't quote the whole thing. But here's the bulk of what it spoke to my heart: Don't be just a hearer of the Word, but be a doer. The dude that hears but doesn't do it, is like the guy that looks in the mirror and walks away and forgets what he looks like (BINGO! That's totally me.) But the one that hears the law of liberty and lives by it, what he does will be blessed. Newsflash. I need Jesus more today than I did yesterday. I am so tired of walking away from the mirror and forgetting how ugly the reflection was, I really want the Lord to just make me over everyday. I am totally broken when it comes to trusting that He will do what He says He'll do. And recognizing it is the first step to overcoming it. I know that big things are on the horizon, but I cannot get past being obedient in the tiny things, and so He pulls His hand away... again. God, help me.